The Rise of Fake Doms & Why Dating as a Switch Is So Frustrating

Lately, I’ve been feeling an intense need to be in my subspace. Between juggling my many passions, financially supporting myself, and constantly being in a position of control, I need a break. I need space to just be.

I crave true containment—someone who can hold me, guide me, and create safety in surrender. But all I keep running into are fake Doms—people who expect submission without earning it. They take without giving, command without leading, and call themselves ‘Dominant’ when all they really want is control.

And this isn’t just about men—fake Doms exist across all genders. I refuse to settle for anyone who mistakes power for responsibility.

Let’s s talk about the rise of fake Doms.

When the Dom Becomes the Child

I typically engage with men in their late 40s to mid-60s— men who, in theory, should have the emotional intelligence to lead. And yet, time and time again, I find myself having to teach grown men basic emotional regulation.

• “Please use your words”

• “No, you shouldn’t lie”

• “ No, I’m not here to clean up your emotional messes”

Instead of being contained, I become their mother figure— the emotional authority they never had or never respected. That is not submission. That is labor.

A Dom without self-discipline isn’t a Dom. He’s just an entitled man playing dress-up.

The Emotional Labor That Comes with Dating

Beyond kink, this pattern keeps repeating in relationships. I attract men who:

❌ Expect me to be their emotional caregiver.

❌ Confuse dominance with selfishness.

❌Want submission without providing safety, structure, or containment.

And here’s where my own trauma comes in.

Is This Just Who I Am, or Is It a Trauma Response?

I used to believe my ability to care for others was just part of who I am. And maybe it is. But as I’ve started reflecting, I have to ask myself:

Is this love? Or is this survival?

I was never given the space to think for myself, to care for myself. As a child, my entire existence revolved around being what others needed me to be. I learned that to be valuable, I had to give—always, endlessly, even when it left me empty.

So now, when I find myself completely drained, I stop and ask:

Am I choosing this? Or was I conditioned for it?

And more importantly—how do I break the cycle?

When “Domination“ is Selfishnes Disguised as Power

In the beginning when I still new to BDSM, I went through a lot of trial and error when I came to looking for a Dom. I’ve interacted with so many  self-proclaimed Doms who claimed to understand power exchange. In reality? They just wanted control.

• If I was too tired to have sex, they got upset.

• If I didn’t want the kind of sex they wanted, they sulked or made me feel guilty.

• They never once asked what I wanted—only what I could do for them.

• If I refused sex, I still had to compromise on how to pleasure them, even if I had just stepped off a 12-hour flight.

And the worst part? Every time we had sex, I felt like I was being sexually assaulted. Their touch, their kisses—nothing about it felt like care.

They all claimed to be Doms, but he never asked about my needs. Any information I volunteered about myself was ignored, unacknowledged. It wasn’t about me. It was about them using “Domination” as an excuse to take.

The Narcissism of Fake Doms and Their Lack of Emotional Intelligence

At the core of all these experiences is a specific type of narcissism—a need for control, validation, and power without responsibility.

Fake Doms aren’t just bad at dominance; they fundamentally lack emotional intelligence. The don’t understand:

• Power exchange is mutual.

• Leadership requires care, not just control.

•Submission isn’t given to just anyone—it’s earned.

Instead, they see dominance as a way to feed their ego rather than a space to provide safety, structure, and containment. This is why so many people in the BDSM community have bad experiences—because these men (and others like them) mistake coercion for consent and entitlement for skill.

A true Dom understands the psychology behind power exchange, the importance of holding space, reading energy, and guiding with intention. A fake Dom just wants to take.

What a True Dom Looks Like: My Only Real Experience

In all my years of searching, I’ve only met one true Dom.

For the first time, I felt valued, safe, and truly seen. With him, I never had to wonder if my needs mattered. I never had to beg for care. I never had to perform submission just to keep the peace.

He is generous, intuitive, and understands power exchange on a deeper level. Being with him has been healing in ways I never expected. He’s also the first person to ever give me an orgasm.

But as much as we share a deep bond, our lives don’t align in a way that allows us to be together. And that’s okay. Not all love needs to fit into a traditional box.

What we have works because it’s not forced or performative—it exists because it’s real.

Even after meeting him, though, I still encountered so many fake Doms. That experience only made it clearer—true dominance is rare.

How Media & Porn Have Distorted BDSM

Part of the reason so many fake Doms exist is because they’ve been misled about what dominance actually is.

People watch Fifty Shades of Grey once and think they understand BDSM. They see harmful, coercive, and unhealthy behaviors glorified as “dominance” and never question it. Porn reinforces these same misconceptions, teaching men that dominance is about taking, controlling, and demanding submission— without responsibility, care, or consent.

And honestly? It’s not entirely their fault.

When all you’ve ever seen of BDSM is from mainstream media and porn, how would you know any better? Society has turned dominance into a performance of aggression rather than a practice of emotional intelligence, responsibility, and trust.

The problem is, these men don’t stop to unlearn what they’ve  absorbed. Instead of questioning whether the power dynamics they see in movies and porn are accurate, consensual, or ethical, they assume that’s just how it works.

They think:  “I get what I want, and that makes me dominant.”

But real BDSM doesn't work like that.

BDSM, as portrayed in media, is often just abuse with better lighting.

Why I’m Sharing This: Questioning Our Motives in BDSM

I don’t just write about this because I’m frustrated— I write about it because I want people to think.

I want people to question their motives when entering the BDSM community. Too many people—men especially—step into this world for selfish reasons. They want control, power, and submission without understanding the weight of what those things truly mean.

I share my story, and the stories of others, because I’m tired.

• I’m tired of people using BDSM as an excuse to abuse, to take instead of give.

• I’m tired of seeing people enter dynamics without fully understanding what they’re engaging in.

• I’m tired of myself, and others, having bad experiences at the hands of people who treat power exchange like a game instead of a responsibility.

So if even one person reads this and reconsiders their approach, questions their motives, or chooses to engage with more care, intention, and respect—then this was worth it.

Have you noticed this pattern in your own relationships? Drop a 🚩 if you’ve ever had to “raise” a partner instead of being loved by them.