You Can’t Love Them Into Loving Themselves: Stop disappearing to be loved.

I know how hard you’ve tried.

You’ve loved them with everything you had—your time, your softness, your soul.

You saw their pain, their potential, their hidden brilliance.

And you thought, If I just love them enough, they’ll finally see it too.

You believed your love could be the thing that saved them.

That if you held on long enough, stayed patient enough, gave enough…

They would finally wake up.

Finally love themselves.

Finally love you the way you deserve.

But here’s what no one tells you when you’re wired like this:

You cannot love someone into loving themselves.

And you cannot love someone into loving you.

No amount of patience, sex, support, or sacrifice will make someone become the person you need them to be if they haven’t chosen that for themselves.

As an empath, you don’t just feel—you give. You try harder, hold tighter, stay longer. You love with hope as currency, believing that if you keep showing up with more softness, more grace, more love… they’ll finally wake up and see you. Finally choose you. Finally love you back.

But the truth is, the more you give, the more you lose yourself.

And the more they take.

You may get breadcrumbs.

A few flowers you’ve been asking for for years.

A couple of dates that make you feel like they’re finally getting it.

And for a moment, you think: “It’s happening. They’re finally showing up.”

Then the flowers stop.

The effort fades.

And suddenly, you’re back to square one—begging for time, for tenderness, for basic respect.

You’re banging on a locked door hoping it opens into something soft.

And without realizing it, you become addicted to the back-and-forth.

To the cat and mouse.

To the push and pull.

To the temporary highs of being seen—followed by the deep crash of being discarded.

That cycle conditions your nervous system to confuse chaos with chemistry.

You start mistaking adrenaline for love.

And before you even realize it, you’re caught in a trauma bond.

You’re not staying because it’s fulfilling.

You’re staying because the inconsistency has hijacked your heart.

And the fantasy is keeping you there.

And it hurts because how dare you love them.

How dare you see them clearly,

in ways they can’t even face themselves.

And deep down you know:

If the roles were reversed,

you would never receive even half of the care, love, or support

you’ve poured into them.

That’s the part that breaks you—

loving someone so deeply while realizing they wouldn’t (and couldn’t) do the same for you.

But let’s be clear about something else:

Having too much empathy isn’t your problem.

Empathy is a gift. It’s sacred.

But without boundaries, self-worth, and discernment—

your empathy becomes a weapon you turn against yourself.

It’s not that you care too much.

It’s that you care at the expense of yourself.

And you’ve been trained to believe that this kind of sacrifice makes you strong, makes you loyal, makes you worthy.

It doesn’t.

This is the most dangerous illusion:

Believing that your sacrifice will be what earns you love.

Sacrificing yourself for love doesn’t make you a good person.

It doesn’t make you noble.

It doesn’t earn you a badge.

It makes you tired.

It makes you resentful.

It makes you disappear.

This is not love—it’s self-flagellation.

It’s emotional masochism disguised as devotion.

It’s punishing yourself in the name of potential.

It’s abuse—you just happen to be the one doing it to yourself now.

And there is no gold star, no reward, no divine recognition for how much pain you can hold.

You don’t need to bleed to be loved.

You don’t need to prove that you’re worthy.

You don’t need to stay in pain just to feel connection.

You cannot love someone into loving themselves.

And you cannot keep loving people in ways that require you to disappear.

So stop shrinking.

Stop begging.

Stop performing for love that won’t land.

Reclaim your energy.

Protect your spirit.

Return to yourself.

And give that love to someone who’s ready to receive it—starting with you.

_______________________________________

Repeat this until it feels true:

I deserve to be loved without disappearing.

I deserve to be seen without begging.

I deserve to be met without shrinking.

I deserve to rest in love, not survive.